Canberra
24/11/07
Dear John,
There’s only one way to say this: you’re dropped.
You’ve humiliated me; degraded me; disrespected me; denied me my rights; depleted my resources. I've had enough!
You promised to protect me and nurture me and make me comfortable in my own skin. Instead, you exposed me to threats, abandoned me when I was low and made me embarrassed to be in the world.
You never listened to me. I stood up to your bullying at work and I protested against your decision to annexe our neighbour’s garden and make enemies of people who meant no harm to us. But you are like one of those abusive men who believe no sometimes means yes.
And your biggest failing is your refusal to say sorry when you’re wrong. I can’t have a relationship with a man who won’t acknowledge his mistakes and apologise from the heart.
Speaking of heart…I’ve come to realise yours isn’t big enough to love those who are different from you and if there’s one thing that really turns me off, it’s a racist.
You didn’t like people visiting from overseas but I loved having international house guests. I spoke to you in many languages but you just replied with a forked tongue. Donald Bradman is your hero. Bernie Banton is mine. It was never going to work out. I don’t know what I was thinking.
When I look back, you never really did it for me. But in the past year, you actually started to repulse me. I guess I stayed with you for 11 years because you seemed strong and kept telling me I could trust you. I wanted to feel safe and secure. But I’ve finally woken up to your tricks and your unfaithfulness and I’m standing on my own two feet at last…brave enough to dump you.
I wish I could say I’ll miss you. Maybe if you’d made an effort to change and paid more attention to me. But I’ve already moved on and now I just can’t wait for you to move out.
Australia
(Acknowledgement: This satirical post was inspired by a letter carried on the Clarence Environment Centre website)
27 November, 2007
Dear John
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2 comments:
Dear Australia,
But, but, but....I thought you loved me.
After all I waited all those years for you. Even after you jilted me in 1987, when you stayed with Bob.
I hung around like a wallflower while Andrew asked you out, knowing you wouldn't think that The Answer is Andrew.
Then John, with those awful Fightback chocolates.
Then Alexander, reading from his book of poetry, The Things That Matter.
For you I got my teeth fixed, my hair cut, new glasses, my eyebrows trimmed... and even though you might not have known, I even got the back, crack and sack waxed.
I kept fit for you by taking those morning walks.
Wasn't I there for you in 1996 after that beast Paul tried to get you in a threesome with that exotic party girl, Asia. You don't really mean to tell me you liked her?
I thought you liked it when we went for a spin in the car with George, going wherever he wanted to go. But it was nice in the backseat wasn't it? With Tony. Ok it wasn't so nice when Gordon got in instead. I much preferred Tony's company.
(Well, if I couldn't have Mark or Steve or Ricky in the backseat with us, Tony would do.)
I thought you liked it when George called me your Man of Steel.
Didn't you tell me you loved me in 1996 and 1998 and 2001. Even after I took 10 percent out of your shopping allowance. You didn't complain.
Even after I turned those beggars away from the door in 2001, who said they were collecting for Humanity and Justice. Likely story, didn't I tell you. When I locked them up in the backyard, their friends stopped ringing the doorbell, didn't they?
I thought it was just going to be us forever.
I had to fight Peter off with a stick every other year because he wanted to take you out. Just because he looked after my wallet and your purse, he thought he was better than me.
I thought one day we might have to part - after all I'm not going to live forever. But I was going to set you up with someone better than Peter. Tony maybe. Or Joe. Or Mal.
I really thought you'd go for Mal after the way he showed how tough he was dealing with your black siblings.
Taking away their grog. Then the way he beat them at Monopoly, taking away their hotels, houses and title deeds, and the community chest (CDEP), and the chance cards. And their Get Out of Gaol Free cards. And their $200 for passing go.
I thought that was what you wanted. After all, it was for their own good.
I thought ....
Oh! I get it! You're not leaving me at all. This is just some Chaser-style prank. Oh, Jackie, you nearly had me going there.
Love
John
Er, er, er...enough already!!! You're dumped, Johnny. As in dropped/thrown-out/let-go/binned/tossed/sacked/terminated/hoiked/made redundant/retired...how else can I spell it out?!?! Now leave me the Hell alone or I'll apply for a restraining order. Good Riddance, Australia.
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