Dear Kevin,

OK, I’m just going to come right out and say it: I think I love you! I feel very vulnerable admitting that. You say you love me too but I don’t know whether to believe you. My heart’s been broken before and I’m scared to trust you.

I’ve just ended a very damaging relationship, you see. He was a bully and he stole my heart – kept it locked up for 11 years. It felt like the longest winter. But I finally got the courage to lop off the dead wood and the promise of a second springtime is really tempting. I’m ready to bloom again.

But before I can commit to you long term, I need you to be honest with me. I need you to tell me what you really believe…what you really think…how you really feel about me and life and the world. Can you do that?

And please don’t use your lines on me…they were appealing in the beginning but I’m already growing tired of them. I don’t want a revolutionary or a mandarin. I need a man who’s not afraid to think with his heart; who speaks freely and turns his words into action.

I want a brave, compassionate, empathetic man who’s strong enough to stand up for what’s right and carry me against the tide when I falter under the weight of others’ expectations. I need a man who tolerates difference and treats me as his equal. Can you be that man?

Will you promise to keep the channels of communication open and listen to me when I talk? Will you comfort me when I cry and laugh at my jokes? Will you admit your mistakes, take responsibility for your decisions and apologise when you’re wrong?

And will you help me to become a better woman? I know I’ve got faults – I need to be more tolerant and take better care of my garden for a start. You tell me I’m charismatic, beautiful and cultured and that's really flattering but I can also be complicated and I’ll probably be a burden at times too. Are you willing to embrace me warts and all? Will you go the long haul in this relationship?

I’ve taken a leap of faith and exposed my heart to you. I’m begging you not to stomp on it or discard it. And I’m pleading with you not to lie and cheat your way through this relationship.

Finally, a word of warning: I’ve rediscovered how brave I am and I won’t hesitate to throw you out if you don’t pull your weight in this partnership.

Yours (for at least the next three years)

Australia

PS Can you please lose that Kevin 07 t-shirt. It's a shade of overkill
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Canberra
24/11/07

Dear John,

There’s only one way to say this: you’re dropped.

You’ve humiliated me; degraded me; disrespected me; denied me my rights; depleted my resources. I've had enough!

You promised to protect me and nurture me and make me comfortable in my own skin. Instead, you exposed me to threats, abandoned me when I was low and made me embarrassed to be in the world.

You never listened to me. I stood up to your bullying at work and I protested against your decision to annexe our neighbour’s garden and make enemies of people who meant no harm to us. But you are like one of those abusive men who believe no sometimes means yes.

And your biggest failing is your refusal to say sorry when you’re wrong. I can’t have a relationship with a man who won’t acknowledge his mistakes and apologise from the heart.

Speaking of heart…I’ve come to realise yours isn’t big enough to love those who are different from you and if there’s one thing that really turns me off, it’s a racist.

You didn’t like people visiting from overseas but I loved having international house guests. I spoke to you in many languages but you just replied with a forked tongue. Donald Bradman is your hero. Bernie Banton is mine. It was never going to work out. I don’t know what I was thinking.

When I look back, you never really did it for me. But in the past year, you actually started to repulse me. I guess I stayed with you for 11 years because you seemed strong and kept telling me I could trust you. I wanted to feel safe and secure. But I’ve finally woken up to your tricks and your unfaithfulness and I’m standing on my own two feet at last…brave enough to dump you.

I wish I could say I’ll miss you. Maybe if you’d made an effort to change and paid more attention to me. But I’ve already moved on and now I just can’t wait for you to move out.

Australia

(Acknowledgement: This satirical post was inspired by a letter carried on the Clarence Environment Centre website)    [read more]