I performed the following letter at the inaugral Canberra Women Of Letters event staged at the National Library of Australia this week as part of the Handwritten exhibition. Women of Letters is a literary salon curated by Marieke hardy and Michaela McGuire. The theme of the night was 'A letter about the history you'd like to change'. I chose to write my letter to my fiften year old self. The experience was cathartic and confronting...but ultimately liberating. Please write back...in the comments below.
February 16th, 2012
Dear Julie,
You don’t know me yet...but I know you intimately.
I know your past, your future and your present.
I can see you now, squatting, huddled with your little sister on the floor of your cluttered wardrobe. You’re trying to stem her sobs as the sound of doors slamming, screaming voices and smashing glass pierce the quiet suburban night. You’re worried your stepfather will hear your little sister as you try to stop her hyperventilating tears.
You show your sister only your strong face. You whisper comforting words. But you just want to scream at the injustice and stare down the violent man who turns your book-bound nights into horror stories.
I wish I could reach into your present and rescue you from that cupboard. Transport you to a safe place. But I have no time-turner. All I have are these words.
You are strong, Julie. Stronger than you know. You are brave and resilient. And you already know the power of perseverance...at fifteen.
The police will answer your neighbour’s call tonight, but they will not see the covered bruises. You’ll have to watch them walk away. And he will never change.
I wish I could tell you that you will get out of the house tonight, fall into the safety of Grandma’s bed and never have to return to this dark place. I cannot. Not yet. But I can tell you that you will survive.
You will escape this place. Your mother will finally break free. Your sister will be protected. You will find a home to which you can return in the evening without fear. From which you are not forced to flee in the middle of the night...
You will meet men who prefer the power of words to speaking with their fists. You will even find a few who are tender and reliable.
Your brave, generous heart will know love...selfless love...and great friendship.
But a caution: I know you like to wear that bruised heart on your sleeve, and I so admire that about you...but be careful with it. Exposed hearts are more vulnerable to abuse.
And something you should know: that wit you’re so proud of, that dimpled smile that masks pain, the laugh that mocks adversity, the scaffolding you’ve built – they will not fool everyone. And they cannot protect you from heartache and heartbreak...you will know them both.
Why am I telling you all this? Why don’t I just write down the next winning lotto numbers and the name of the man you’ll marry and sign off now??
Because, what you survive and how you survive it will be your history. You will trip and fall - sometimes painfully - but it’s in living through trials and triumphs that your identity will be formed. Know that you will never fail to get back up when you are knocked down.
You are smart, girl. And terribly outspoken. Those books piled on the floor and that fast tongue are your key to an interesting life. Use them both wisely.
People will ask you “Don’t you ever wish that you’d just kept your mouth shut??” Well, at times you probably will...but you should never be cowed by the many bullies you’ll encounter who want to keep the truth hidden or misrepresent it to the world.
What you’re enduring now is cementing in you a heart for social justice, a commitment to freedom of expression, a determination to speak truth to power, a refusal to sacrifice your integrity...if you can soften those quests with an ability to listen and an appreciation of silent moments...if you can accept that betrayal, pain, disappointment and grief are inevitable human experiences...if you can figure out how to avoid fearing regret...your life will be rich, interesting and balanced.
I need to go now, but one promise for the future I want to leave you with...you will know the love of your own child...I’m looking at her now. And every day she reminds me more of you.
With love from the future,
x Julie
PS Oh, one more thing: remember this - a Poodle Perm is NEVER a good idea!
PPS And another thing: the Internet will be big
17 February, 2012
A Letter to my fifteen year old self
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6 comments:
Dear Julie, just found you again. Who knew then?. Not me you kept it hidden so well behind your poodle perm, your intelligence, generosity of spirit and friendship with Sharon. It sounds like you have had a journey that has made you strong and the woman you are today.
Some of us survive despite everything life presents to us and it makes us stronger and more resilient people even though at the time we would prefer something else. Your little girl can be blessed o have you as a mum.
Be kind to yourself.
Birgit
Julie, I am so very glad you came through your experience relatively unscathed. I know you will not be totally unscathed, no-one is that goes through such a childhood.
I hope your sister received the protection you both needed sooner rather than later.
The words of your letter are truly inspiring Julie. It's so true that we are all enriched by the trials we endure. Some of us become victims of our suffering but you are certainly a survivor of yours. Letters can be such a great processing tool. I am impressed you shared yours publicly. I'm sure there are many others and hopefully some in the audience who could relate to being exposed to issues of power and control at their best.
Well done, I loved reading your letter. You are a truly inspiring friend.
Tracey
Thanks for your comments, friends.
@Birgit Yes, I did do a good job of disguising my pain in the classroom & the playground. But one of my reasons for sharing this part of my life story is a desire to unmask the silent suffering. What compels those of us who endure domestic violence to keep it covered up? It needs to be moved into the public gaze in order to be properly countered.
@Team Oyeniyi It was five long years before we were finally rid of my stepfather - a man who'd made his previous family's(which included five children)live Hell too. A serial offender. But peace we did find. Yes, the scars are still present.
@Frazer Family - well, I didn't realise diarising was considered *actual* psychological therapy! :) Writing about life experiences that shape us is certainly therapeutic. Publishing them is cathartic. Maybe you could consider pseudonymous/anonymous blogging as therapy? x
I appreciate your courage and honesty in writing this letter to yourself. As someone who also grew up with domestic violence, it's truly amazing how your description of 'those moments' with you & your sister are bone chilling similiar to that of my brother's & I. Good on you for being so openly honest of your account, I'm sure that that process was pinnacle to your healing process! and that's the best and important part, it's not about the perpetrators, it's about you! when I realised the benefits of the healing process and letting go of such negative crap, I asked myself why I didn't do it sooner!lol, but loved your blogg, however reminiscent of a time passed.
Definitely inspiring to those who are still keeping that sort of stuff in the closet!
Love & light
Mel
If time is elastic as Einstein posited, then maybe in some dimension you could go back and read these words of comfort to your 15 year old self, or maybe in fact you are doing so right now. On some level she heard you, and thus gathered strength to continue on her way. Either way, it's a gentle nod from you to yourself, that you are able to look back and see that the strength you have now has always been there. Sometimes I think we are kinder to our teenage selves than we are to our current selves, we think of our younger selves as a sibling to be protected, whereas we are more critical of our current flaws and mistakes. In that sense, if that rings true for you, then perhaps this exercise has been one of affirmation as well as catharsis. Thanks for sharing!
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